My Grandmother's Song.

So,
I might be getting a job at Wrights.
And I'm absolutely ecstatic!
I cannot explain this want to you-

As I do not understand,
Myself,
Why-
Over all the places in Norman,
I'd choose to work in a run-

Down grocery store
Frequented mainly
By the elderly-

If frequented at all...

Maybe,
It's because it reminds me
Of my life,
Before I knew what it was.

It makes me miss my grandma,
And John.
Before I was old enough to know
How toxic they really were.

It makes me miss trips
To Food Lion,
And packing for Lake Eufaula,

And the trailer park-
Believe it or not.

See the truth is-
Despite the turmoil,
And the underlying
Sick,
Sadness-

There was a home-
A dull light;

At the end of some tunnel-

And I think maybe,
Somewhere down, in my
Six year old body,

I wanted to save that home.

And as I got older,
That's why I started hating it so much.
I never felt like my grandmother wanted me.
And all I wanted was her to want me.

It was borderline abusive-
The way she'd pick all the other grand-kids
First,
And pit them against me.

And how she left me hanging out to dry
And spoiled them
Entirely-

Even though I was the only child
With her blood running through my veins.

And I always felt,
Like the cards were against me.

There was this underlying song
Of sabotage
Waiting for me-

Making me anxious and restless,
And I could never put a finger on it.

And now I look back,
And it's so confusing-
Because on one side;
There was something sick
And on the other something soft.

In my memory I hold
Small moments of love,
And it makes me wonder

If it was all because she didn't know
How to love.

Like,
Her buying me a big chief tablet
And fat glitter crowns,

And a matching nightie
So I could be just like her...

And my purple glittery hairbrush set-
Complete with a purple compact
Mirror

For when I wanted to pretend I was
Harriet the Spy.


I always was by myself.

Even when we were together...

Except for those beautiful seconds
Where there was release...

A strand of real-
And that's what I miss...

Going to antique malls,
Shopping for wigs,
Renting movies...

And laying there,
Letting her rub my back while I fell asleep
At night.

And
The off-brand cookies,
And the smell of Folgers in the morning.

And how it felt when she'd put
Aloe Vera on my sun burns when my skin
Was on fire
In agonizing pain.

And I miss her.

I think,
One thing, even as a child
I always hated-
Though I didn't understand it...

Was the fact that she didn't have
The courage to be happy...
To not run into the arms of someone abusive

Physically
Or mentally.
Or Verbally.

And I hated the way she would try to please him
By cherishing his druggie kids
And taking in all their strays-
Instead

Of wrapping me up and loving me.

You know,
I just needed a grandmother.
I just wanted her love.
That's all.

No money,
No words.
Just love.

And I remember what a drudgery
It was to visit
That trailer as
A 12 year old...

When the eyes of the child
Had faded-

To see her...
For what she was...

I knew those were the last days.

Because the sick kept getting sicker
And the soft
Was no longer
Living.



I fear the day she dies.
And not for the right reasons-

It's the kind of feeling
That leaves you beside yourself.
The situation was so un-natural
And didn't make sense.

Therefore every situation
Will be un-natural
And not make sense.

Will I go?

Yes, I know me.

But will I stand by her casket and weep?
The way a grand-daughter should?

And if I can't-
Is that my fault?
Did she ever let me be hers anyway?

And I won't want any of it.
I know she's going to leave me that ring.
She promised she would.

But I can not keep it.
I cannot accept that.

That ring-a sapphire
My birthstone.

"Her Girl",

And I remember how it looked on that
Gold chain around her neck
When she was powdering her face in
The morning...

And there was something glamorous about her.
Scary
And glamorous.
And under those movie star lights-
Up against

Her cardboard walls...

She was my grandmother.

But now?

Oh,
Now...

I don't even know that woman anymore.