I feel,
Like the worst self
I have ever been.
I'm so full of anger,
And venom-
Poison.
And I'm full of pride
About it too.
But I can't tame it or control it.
Because when you've been bullied
For years,
You get to a point,
Where you realize you're worth more than
Grovelling,
And you TAKE pride in yourself.
And maybe I did too much-
Maybe I AM pushing everyone away...
But I'd rather push everyone away,
Than be drug through the razor blades
Again.
And if that makes me self righteous...
Self righteous,
I am.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
"Maybe God can be on both sides of a gun." That's what I'm learning actually. In every fight, we're knocking eachother down for what we believe. Well, maybe none of us are right...maybe none of us are wrong. Maybe we're all fighting for who we are at the expense of each-other. And isn't that what we SHOULD want? I would want anyone to be true to themself, even if it meant leaving me. Maybe that's warped, but I think we're given ONE life. There is nothing in this world worse than not being true to yourself, there is NOTHING worse than lying to yourself or having to hide who you are. So...
"Maybe God can be on both sides of a gun."
Maybe He works from all ends...in heartbreak, in war, in our daily lives. Maybe, the hurt we cause, not out of malicious acts...hurt derived from striving to be ourselves, or striving to do the right thing...
Has God working on both ends.
Maybe we're all just at different stages in our lives,
We're all at different places; being pruned to grow...
And we become tools to eachother,
To learn lessons along the way.
"Maybe God, can be on both sides of a gun..."
-The Fray.
"Maybe God can be on both sides of a gun."
Maybe He works from all ends...in heartbreak, in war, in our daily lives. Maybe, the hurt we cause, not out of malicious acts...hurt derived from striving to be ourselves, or striving to do the right thing...
Has God working on both ends.
Maybe we're all just at different stages in our lives,
We're all at different places; being pruned to grow...
And we become tools to eachother,
To learn lessons along the way.
"Maybe God, can be on both sides of a gun..."
-The Fray.
Some nights,I drive these city streets-When I miss you so muchThat it's too hard to breathe,Inside my small retreat.And I roll down the windowsAnd let the fresh air plunge Into me;And bathe DeepDown in my lungs.And usually, My heart starts to lift,With every sharp curve I take And every hill that I sweep down as fast as I can-And every time I stop short on a country road, I feel daring,It makes me feel brave and alive.Again.And that driving, Most nights-Can be a remedy to a many ailments,And almost every symptom Of a broken heart.And it saves me.However other nights-Like tonight...My heart sinks in the lowsAt the bottom of the highest hills-And I realize,I'm not searching for any other remedies...But the soft,SweetStillness of youAnd your Perfect eyes.And asI sweepThe steep hill on Robinson Street, I pause at the top-To watch earth and sky meetWhere the stars start to peek Through the holes of their navyQuiltAnd dance on the horizon line. And always,They are happy to see me;And the greet me. And all is still.And I miss you.Bittersweet.And I feel like a foolTo be searching for you,In the same city lines,Where you're searching her too.And I wonder,If maybe,The curves of her face,Are the hills that you trace.And deep in me,I wish thatHer kiss Were only the back roadsYou are taking in All of your searching,For me.Like the country roads I'm racing,Kicking up dirt;Longing for you.And I wish it were true...That you're searching her for me.And coming up as lost as I am;On these darkened broken streets.And I wish that you'd just call meAnd tell me so.But that will never happen,No,Because we have so much growing to go.But I wish it were trueOn nights like tonight;When I'm plunging for you,Deep down,Into lullsOf beat of my heart-When I forget justHow long We've been separated.And my body achesWhen I'm holding the wheelInstead of your hands,And missing your faceAnd the way you'd laugh;Over the music that played on the radio.When we still had so many miles to go,But tonight,They are all behind us,Only memories we know-What we've come from-And I drown in the beatAnd every dull humOf our songOn the airwaves,Pulling me down;As I remember every sweetWord you used to say.And I wonder these nights,Now thatIt's been done,And the wind is cool-And what we've becomeIs only memories,If you'll remember me,While I'm out driving these city streets-And you're there;Memorizing her face,And taking her home...
Come summer,
I want out.
I want away,
From everything.
I wish I could be there now;
But the world is not working as fast as my heart.
I want to run from everything.
I don't want to feel them anymore-
All the broken pieces of me,
Like beads upon the floor-
That scatter into millions;
I want them to be someone else's life
And be able to live something else;
Other than the one I've been given.
I want out.
I want away,
From everything.
I wish I could be there now;
But the world is not working as fast as my heart.
I want to run from everything.
I don't want to feel them anymore-
All the broken pieces of me,
Like beads upon the floor-
That scatter into millions;
I want them to be someone else's life
And be able to live something else;
Other than the one I've been given.
Betrayal in Every Form of the Word
Sprawls quickly across my journal pages,
And I'm left,
After,
With a pounding heart full of rage.
I had to cut my own heart out with him.
I had to leave and be left,
Because he was too much of a coward to do it all.
So, here I am...broken and alone...
Because they weren't real friends;
I was expendable
And she's given my shoes to fill.
Apparently my position could be offered up
To anyone who comes along.
Because he leads
And they follow
And his spineless,
Word is law.
Even though he's done nothing worthy of leading.
And then,
If they do come around,
All they want is to take me out.
Am I not worth more than that?
And where were YOU
When I was so sick that I couldn't even get up off the couch?
And they call you up
And you FEEL LUCKY
To be asked to be around.
And your self worth goes down the tubes.
And you make a friend,
With an honest
Heart,
But she's too busy
Getting her heart blended by
The same bunch
That she'll slap wrists
To anyone that says anything negative to them
Even though SHE'S
Being beaten by them,
And fooled by their hypocrisy.
And the real friend,
Gets told to hold her tongue.
And told that
"No one would put up with that..."
WHY?
BECAUSE IT'S REAL?
She'd much rather run back to fake friends,
And defend the judge and jury
Than stand by real friends
When the water gets hot.
And my heart
Is just supposed to bounce back to trust
After all of that?
I'm sorry.
I am real...
Though so often told,
I was fake.
No. My heart is broken,
AND THAT IS REAL.
My words are POISON
And they are REAL.
Is this REAL enough for you now?
And then,
She only comes around when she wants something-
Like I'm some kind of Fountain of Knowledge.
But never asks about how MY heart is doing!
Because that's not something we talk about.
It's always about everyone else's heartbreak.
And what about mine?
What about the fact that I lost everyone?
Not just one person!
I lost someone who was supposed to be my soul mate.
My best friend...
All of my boys,
Everything!
And no one was there to care.
I had to cope
And pick up the pieces.
Because everyone was too busy worrying about their OWN heartbreak.
And once again,
I don't do what they say and I'm left alone?
What good is their friendship if I can't be ME?!
It is nothing.
And that is the worst feeling in the world.
It's the loneliest place to be,
When the people you want to love-
Just knock you down.
And the people that were supposed to be there forever
Are no longer around.
And I'm left,
After,
With a pounding heart full of rage.
I had to cut my own heart out with him.
I had to leave and be left,
Because he was too much of a coward to do it all.
So, here I am...broken and alone...
Because they weren't real friends;
I was expendable
And she's given my shoes to fill.
Apparently my position could be offered up
To anyone who comes along.
Because he leads
And they follow
And his spineless,
Word is law.
Even though he's done nothing worthy of leading.
And then,
If they do come around,
All they want is to take me out.
Am I not worth more than that?
And where were YOU
When I was so sick that I couldn't even get up off the couch?
And they call you up
And you FEEL LUCKY
To be asked to be around.
And your self worth goes down the tubes.
And you make a friend,
With an honest
Heart,
But she's too busy
Getting her heart blended by
The same bunch
That she'll slap wrists
To anyone that says anything negative to them
Even though SHE'S
Being beaten by them,
And fooled by their hypocrisy.
And the real friend,
Gets told to hold her tongue.
And told that
"No one would put up with that..."
WHY?
BECAUSE IT'S REAL?
She'd much rather run back to fake friends,
And defend the judge and jury
Than stand by real friends
When the water gets hot.
And my heart
Is just supposed to bounce back to trust
After all of that?
I'm sorry.
I am real...
Though so often told,
I was fake.
No. My heart is broken,
AND THAT IS REAL.
My words are POISON
And they are REAL.
Is this REAL enough for you now?
And then,
She only comes around when she wants something-
Like I'm some kind of Fountain of Knowledge.
But never asks about how MY heart is doing!
Because that's not something we talk about.
It's always about everyone else's heartbreak.
And what about mine?
What about the fact that I lost everyone?
Not just one person!
I lost someone who was supposed to be my soul mate.
My best friend...
All of my boys,
Everything!
And no one was there to care.
I had to cope
And pick up the pieces.
Because everyone was too busy worrying about their OWN heartbreak.
And once again,
I don't do what they say and I'm left alone?
What good is their friendship if I can't be ME?!
It is nothing.
And that is the worst feeling in the world.
It's the loneliest place to be,
When the people you want to love-
Just knock you down.
And the people that were supposed to be there forever
Are no longer around.
I find it funny how
You're just around,
When you want a date.
You were supposed to be my best friend.
You come around,
Like you're all I have to rely on,
And I drown in you for a moment,
And then you are gone.
Back to them.
And you're quick to ask me out,
But not to help me up.
That's something I don't understand.
When you want a date.
You were supposed to be my best friend.
You come around,
Like you're all I have to rely on,
And I drown in you for a moment,
And then you are gone.
Back to them.
And you're quick to ask me out,
But not to help me up.
That's something I don't understand.
You know,
When apologies don't work anymore?
They lose all their value
And everyone involved is so broken,
That it's nothing anymore?
And we can re-unite and pretend it's not wrong,
But it is.
Because the friendship was never real enough
To endure the real-ness of all that was said.
I'm starting to wonder,
Why we're so quick to pull our daggers on one another...
And then I don't.
I suppose we've all be broken one too many times.
And none of us,
Have the courage
To just get out.
When apologies don't work anymore?
They lose all their value
And everyone involved is so broken,
That it's nothing anymore?
And we can re-unite and pretend it's not wrong,
But it is.
Because the friendship was never real enough
To endure the real-ness of all that was said.
I'm starting to wonder,
Why we're so quick to pull our daggers on one another...
And then I don't.
I suppose we've all be broken one too many times.
And none of us,
Have the courage
To just get out.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
I wish I was home right now,
Under Lubbock skies,
That stretch out to the horizon line...
The stars are like little cut outs
Of magic,
And they dance around my head
And tip toe the fine line
Between earth and sky.
And the smell of night is sweet,
And all you need-
Is someone's arms to be in.
And you hear music
All around you
When you step outside
And you see;
Bright lights...
Of morning
That cascade
Across the clear skies.
And you let the earth sprawl beneath your feet
And the heavens wrap around you.
And you smell gingerbread tea in the kitchen,
And hear Nana yelling at the screen door
"It's time for supper"
And you gather around
For evening prayer...
And you love everyone there;
Heads bowed.
And the
Mowery women have curves,
And they slip on their cowboy boots,
To go shopping.
And the Mowery men,
Paint all day,
But they stay fresh smelling like cologne,
In their all white shirts.
And I love my family there.
How I wish I was wrapped up in the arms of my Nan now.
I wish I was away from here...
And all the people
In this hollow town.
Under Lubbock skies,
That stretch out to the horizon line...
The stars are like little cut outs
Of magic,
And they dance around my head
And tip toe the fine line
Between earth and sky.
And the smell of night is sweet,
And all you need-
Is someone's arms to be in.
And you hear music
All around you
When you step outside
And you see;
Bright lights...
Of morning
That cascade
Across the clear skies.
And you let the earth sprawl beneath your feet
And the heavens wrap around you.
And you smell gingerbread tea in the kitchen,
And hear Nana yelling at the screen door
"It's time for supper"
And you gather around
For evening prayer...
And you love everyone there;
Heads bowed.
And the
Mowery women have curves,
And they slip on their cowboy boots,
To go shopping.
And the Mowery men,
Paint all day,
But they stay fresh smelling like cologne,
In their all white shirts.
And I love my family there.
How I wish I was wrapped up in the arms of my Nan now.
I wish I was away from here...
And all the people
In this hollow town.
Your Unison
Makes me sick.
You take my place,
And my seat.
And my lips that I kissed.
You give no room
For speech-
So I can't be missed.
And you degrade me
Filling in the words for him.
And he...
Is a coward
For
The words he doesn't speak
That he never spoke
From the day
We were
Separate.
And you fill my shoes?
Nicely I suppose.
It sounds as though,
You are just a band aid
For loneliness.
Unless he's a liar,
And how does that feel?
To know he couldn't love after three years
Makes you capable of having more?
I am not self righteous-
If anything THAT is self righteous.
Or maybe,
Wishful thinking-
Maybe you're insecure.
But either way,
That cologne,
I bought.
That music-
I introduced to him...
Those clothes,
I picked out.
And my kiss-
Taught him
How to love someone else.
So you should,
Be thanking me...
For making him what he is.
You take my place,
And my seat.
And my lips that I kissed.
You give no room
For speech-
So I can't be missed.
And you degrade me
Filling in the words for him.
And he...
Is a coward
For
The words he doesn't speak
That he never spoke
From the day
We were
Separate.
And you fill my shoes?
Nicely I suppose.
It sounds as though,
You are just a band aid
For loneliness.
Unless he's a liar,
And how does that feel?
To know he couldn't love after three years
Makes you capable of having more?
I am not self righteous-
If anything THAT is self righteous.
Or maybe,
Wishful thinking-
Maybe you're insecure.
But either way,
That cologne,
I bought.
That music-
I introduced to him...
Those clothes,
I picked out.
And my kiss-
Taught him
How to love someone else.
So you should,
Be thanking me...
For making him what he is.
I feel like today was one of the worst days ever.
I don't feel well,
And this huge chapter in my life is closing-
I can feel it,
Rumbling under my feet.
I have no ties to this place anymore.
I drive the city streets-
And they don't look the same.
And where do you go when everything has changed?
And I'm starting to wonder if it's God saying
"Hey, let's get out."
And I'm wanting to take his hand.
She said,
I'm running away from my fear...
But maybe fear's right
And I shouldn't be here.
And if that's not the case-
How do I settle the life that I'm living in now?
I don't even want it anymore.
The thing that I don't understand,
Is I'm supposed to be kicked and THEN
Be a friend?
I don't do that well.
I don't take the bitter end...of things...
Well.
And condescendingly,
I am told-
That people wouldn't put up with me?
Forget that.
I can find many people,
Who will love me,
Just as I am...
And stand by me one hundred percent.
And I wouldn't take back the words that I said...
I'd say them all over again.
I think that
What people don't want to see is truth.
That's what I think.
They call you fake if you don't follow their rules...
Like they are the God,
They don't even know.
And when did my life,
Fall right through my hands?
And when did they start making my plans?
These words are worth the repercussions...
So I stand in them and by them
Until the end.
I'm not hiding.
And when the day comes...
You can find me...
And I'll still be here, right here
Right here-just who I am.
And I'm not taming my emotions,
Because I'm justified.
I am justified
In the way I feel.
And I feel betrayed...
And I feel let down...
And I'm the only one who gets in trouble for their actions.
Because I'm the only one who tells the truth.
And that's okay by me.
Because I have enough courage to strap it to my back and carry it.
I have a spine.
And I'll never run back,
To the hands that have slapped me
Forever!
She has no right,
To say that she doesn't agree where I put my passion,
When she's beat me down to this level.
And she's never been there-
For me,
So why would I have ears that listen?
That's hilarious-
She thinks of herself as an example...
As she tries to justify the things she's done.
But she can't
And in my eyes...
It'll never matter...
Because it can't be changed.
And my arms...
May open up with forgiveness tomorrow,
But I don't play the game of
"I'm only saying sorry if you grovel"
Thing.
Forget that.
I'm never asking for forgiveness
Of people that have malice in their hearts.
I'll be vicious,
Before I'll ever lose my self respect again.
I get "self righteous" alot.
Well-
It's coming from the same people,
WHAT?
If I'm not on the ground spitting up blood
While you're kicking me in the sides-
I'm SELF RIGHTEOUS?
No.
I'd beg a person that was WORTH it...
But a person that was would never make me beg
SLAP A FACE ON ALL OF THEM
They are the same person.
And I've apologized enough over the years.
And one drop of poison,
Will taint the whole bunch.
It's been made evident.
So-
Am I stubborn for not responding for the millionth time?
No.
I care about my heart.
And I refuse to be broken again.
So I'm escaping this...
And running from this town.
And if that's running away from my problems;
Well..
So be it.
I don't feel well,
And this huge chapter in my life is closing-
I can feel it,
Rumbling under my feet.
I have no ties to this place anymore.
I drive the city streets-
And they don't look the same.
And where do you go when everything has changed?
And I'm starting to wonder if it's God saying
"Hey, let's get out."
And I'm wanting to take his hand.
She said,
I'm running away from my fear...
But maybe fear's right
And I shouldn't be here.
And if that's not the case-
How do I settle the life that I'm living in now?
I don't even want it anymore.
The thing that I don't understand,
Is I'm supposed to be kicked and THEN
Be a friend?
I don't do that well.
I don't take the bitter end...of things...
Well.
And condescendingly,
I am told-
That people wouldn't put up with me?
Forget that.
I can find many people,
Who will love me,
Just as I am...
And stand by me one hundred percent.
And I wouldn't take back the words that I said...
I'd say them all over again.
I think that
What people don't want to see is truth.
That's what I think.
They call you fake if you don't follow their rules...
Like they are the God,
They don't even know.
And when did my life,
Fall right through my hands?
And when did they start making my plans?
These words are worth the repercussions...
So I stand in them and by them
Until the end.
I'm not hiding.
And when the day comes...
You can find me...
And I'll still be here, right here
Right here-just who I am.
And I'm not taming my emotions,
Because I'm justified.
I am justified
In the way I feel.
And I feel betrayed...
And I feel let down...
And I'm the only one who gets in trouble for their actions.
Because I'm the only one who tells the truth.
And that's okay by me.
Because I have enough courage to strap it to my back and carry it.
I have a spine.
And I'll never run back,
To the hands that have slapped me
Forever!
She has no right,
To say that she doesn't agree where I put my passion,
When she's beat me down to this level.
And she's never been there-
For me,
So why would I have ears that listen?
That's hilarious-
She thinks of herself as an example...
As she tries to justify the things she's done.
But she can't
And in my eyes...
It'll never matter...
Because it can't be changed.
And my arms...
May open up with forgiveness tomorrow,
But I don't play the game of
"I'm only saying sorry if you grovel"
Thing.
Forget that.
I'm never asking for forgiveness
Of people that have malice in their hearts.
I'll be vicious,
Before I'll ever lose my self respect again.
I get "self righteous" alot.
Well-
It's coming from the same people,
WHAT?
If I'm not on the ground spitting up blood
While you're kicking me in the sides-
I'm SELF RIGHTEOUS?
No.
I'd beg a person that was WORTH it...
But a person that was would never make me beg
SLAP A FACE ON ALL OF THEM
They are the same person.
And I've apologized enough over the years.
And one drop of poison,
Will taint the whole bunch.
It's been made evident.
So-
Am I stubborn for not responding for the millionth time?
No.
I care about my heart.
And I refuse to be broken again.
So I'm escaping this...
And running from this town.
And if that's running away from my problems;
Well..
So be it.
Taking the Long Way Around
By The Dixie Chicks
My friends from high school
Married their high school boyfriends
Moved into houses
In the same ZIP codes where their parents live
But I
I could never follow
No I
I could never follow
I hit the highway
In a pink RV with stars on the ceiling
Lived like a gypsy
Six strong hands on the steering wheel
I’ve been a long time gone now
Maybe someday, someday I’m gonna settle down
But I’ve always found my way somehow
By takin’ the long way
Takin’ the long way around
Takin’ the long way
Takin’ the long way around
I met the queen of whatever
Drank with the Irish and smoked with the hippies
Moved with the shakers
Wouldn’t kiss all the asses that they told me to
No I
I could never follow
No I
I could never follow
It’s been two long years now
Since the top of the world came crashing down
And I’m getting’ it back on the road now
But I’m takin’ the long way
Takin’ the long way around
I’m takin’ the long way
Takin’ the long way around
The long
The long way around
Well I fought with a stranger and I met myself
I opened my mouth and I heard myself
It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself
Guess I could have made it easier on myself
But I
I could never follow
No I
I could never follow
Well I never seem to do it like anybody else
Maybe someday, someday I’m gonna settle down
If you ever want to find me I can still be found
Takin’ the long way
Takin’ the long way around
Takin’ the long way
Takin’ the long way around…..
My friends from high school
Married their high school boyfriends
Moved into houses
In the same ZIP codes where their parents live
But I
I could never follow
No I
I could never follow
I hit the highway
In a pink RV with stars on the ceiling
Lived like a gypsy
Six strong hands on the steering wheel
I’ve been a long time gone now
Maybe someday, someday I’m gonna settle down
But I’ve always found my way somehow
By takin’ the long way
Takin’ the long way around
Takin’ the long way
Takin’ the long way around
I met the queen of whatever
Drank with the Irish and smoked with the hippies
Moved with the shakers
Wouldn’t kiss all the asses that they told me to
No I
I could never follow
No I
I could never follow
It’s been two long years now
Since the top of the world came crashing down
And I’m getting’ it back on the road now
But I’m takin’ the long way
Takin’ the long way around
I’m takin’ the long way
Takin’ the long way around
The long
The long way around
Well I fought with a stranger and I met myself
I opened my mouth and I heard myself
It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself
Guess I could have made it easier on myself
But I
I could never follow
No I
I could never follow
Well I never seem to do it like anybody else
Maybe someday, someday I’m gonna settle down
If you ever want to find me I can still be found
Takin’ the long way
Takin’ the long way around
Takin’ the long way
Takin’ the long way around…..
"Taking The Long Way Around"
March is here, and my heart hurts worse than ever. In four days, it will be My Cejda's birthday. Cejda. Actually, I suppose I'm not even allowed to call him that anymore. Cejda is too sacred, I suppose he would be just Zac now to me. Or better yet...only a memory.
Either way, I've been incredibly lonesome for him lately, heartbroken, really. I miss him so badly I can't sleep...and I hate myself. I should have left it at silence, even though it was so painful. But this is worse.
Now, there is nothing there-nothing sweet to savor or remember. There is nothing but poison between us...there is nothing but sorrow.
Last year, I made him cupcakes. We had a Star Wars birthday, because that was his favorite. I painted him this incredible piece with a heart on it...it had a poem written around the edges.
I loved him.
I loved him...so, incredibly much.
And now, he's like a stranger...or worse, an enemy...
And he is...a million miles away-from me.
And my heart is broken.
Six months later...or forever, I've lost count.
My heart is broken.
I lost a lot this month...in all the areas I hoped I'd never lose.
But I did.
I had a friend accuse me of wanting this...of wanting to be alone.
Almost any other day, I would have argued with her,
But I think she is right.
Who can blame me though?
For wanting to be alone?
For the past five years,
I've been nothing but left by everyone-
And in the most malicious, and tragic ways.
Up until I developed this want to be alone-
I was stripped raw, to my core-
Because I was putting my faith in other people and pining for their acceptance.
And it got me nowhere.
And nothing, but broken.
How can this she be mad at me for adopting the idea that all people leave?
When she was no exception to that rule?
The someone that comes along and proves me wrong...
That's the person, I will put my faith in.
Up until then, I will keep to myself.
I titled this blog "Taking the Long Way Around."
It's a song by The Dixie Chicks.
I know, trashy-and controversial right?
But I have to give it up to them. No, I don't agree with what they did. But I understand it. In a way, I admire Natalie Maines, because she STILL is not afraid to be who she is, even though she had the whole nation against her.
I would stand up for what I believe in the same way...
I do stand up for what I believe in the same way.
It takes much courage to stand on your own. It's a brave brave thing.
Especially when people are so against you.
But she's inspired me...yes, Ms. Mouthy Left Wing extremist has inspired Mrs. Take Offense to Everything Right Wing Conservative.
She has inspired me to open my eyes and see things not for what the world sees them as...but the way I see them.
And adopting this idea, has made many mad.
You know,
I think it's funny...
I get called "fake"
Or "two faced"
When I'm not consistent...
But wouldn't it be fake
To be consistent?
My mistakes or
Words make me human,
Don't they?
And when beliefs are no longer subject to change-
Are they even worth having?
I consider myself gray now. I can't call myself a conservative or a liberal anymore.
Because privately...I've experienced some things, I never knew I'd experience and met some inspirational people who have broadened my horizon.
And I feel so much better too. I regret those years, in high school-I held people at arms length because we didn't agree. What good was that?
Especially now...that I see how circumstantial things are.
You know, I was a walking set of rules-that was my own personal wall that no one could live up to.
I regret that.
And I hate it.
I think anyone who has solid beliefs like that, is running scared and not living...any time you see the world in black and white you're not living. You know? Politics are black and white...America is gray.
Which is why I'm not going to run for office...well, I may...I'm not sold on the idea anymore.
I can't imagine standing on a platform I'm not sold on...and I could never find peace in that chaos...I could never find God.
So...I may write.
I may write novels-
I may put these private, tragic stories of my life together and compose a memoir.
People wouldn't believe what they've read.
In-fact, I feel like, if most people really KNEW me...they wouldn't be able to handle the truth.
So I let them assume things...
And I let them use me up...
And then they leave.
And that brings us back to the loneliness...
I'm starting to think it's better to be alone,
Than having to deal with the pain of people using me up and then leaving.
But that's what they do.
I am Jade, I am the Jade-that is only there for your nightly entertainment.
And I'm exhausted.
So...
I've decided I'm going to be me, and be true to myself...
And that will weed out the friends who weren't real.
I'm never going to be ashamed of myself again...I spent too many years doing that...
So...
Like, in the song...
"I'm taking the Long way around."
Because that's honestly the only way that I want to go.
Either way, I've been incredibly lonesome for him lately, heartbroken, really. I miss him so badly I can't sleep...and I hate myself. I should have left it at silence, even though it was so painful. But this is worse.
Now, there is nothing there-nothing sweet to savor or remember. There is nothing but poison between us...there is nothing but sorrow.
Last year, I made him cupcakes. We had a Star Wars birthday, because that was his favorite. I painted him this incredible piece with a heart on it...it had a poem written around the edges.
I loved him.
I loved him...so, incredibly much.
And now, he's like a stranger...or worse, an enemy...
And he is...a million miles away-from me.
And my heart is broken.
Six months later...or forever, I've lost count.
My heart is broken.
I lost a lot this month...in all the areas I hoped I'd never lose.
But I did.
I had a friend accuse me of wanting this...of wanting to be alone.
Almost any other day, I would have argued with her,
But I think she is right.
Who can blame me though?
For wanting to be alone?
For the past five years,
I've been nothing but left by everyone-
And in the most malicious, and tragic ways.
Up until I developed this want to be alone-
I was stripped raw, to my core-
Because I was putting my faith in other people and pining for their acceptance.
And it got me nowhere.
And nothing, but broken.
How can this she be mad at me for adopting the idea that all people leave?
When she was no exception to that rule?
The someone that comes along and proves me wrong...
That's the person, I will put my faith in.
Up until then, I will keep to myself.
I titled this blog "Taking the Long Way Around."
It's a song by The Dixie Chicks.
I know, trashy-and controversial right?
But I have to give it up to them. No, I don't agree with what they did. But I understand it. In a way, I admire Natalie Maines, because she STILL is not afraid to be who she is, even though she had the whole nation against her.
I would stand up for what I believe in the same way...
I do stand up for what I believe in the same way.
It takes much courage to stand on your own. It's a brave brave thing.
Especially when people are so against you.
But she's inspired me...yes, Ms. Mouthy Left Wing extremist has inspired Mrs. Take Offense to Everything Right Wing Conservative.
She has inspired me to open my eyes and see things not for what the world sees them as...but the way I see them.
And adopting this idea, has made many mad.
You know,
I think it's funny...
I get called "fake"
Or "two faced"
When I'm not consistent...
But wouldn't it be fake
To be consistent?
My mistakes or
Words make me human,
Don't they?
And when beliefs are no longer subject to change-
Are they even worth having?
I consider myself gray now. I can't call myself a conservative or a liberal anymore.
Because privately...I've experienced some things, I never knew I'd experience and met some inspirational people who have broadened my horizon.
And I feel so much better too. I regret those years, in high school-I held people at arms length because we didn't agree. What good was that?
Especially now...that I see how circumstantial things are.
You know, I was a walking set of rules-that was my own personal wall that no one could live up to.
I regret that.
And I hate it.
I think anyone who has solid beliefs like that, is running scared and not living...any time you see the world in black and white you're not living. You know? Politics are black and white...America is gray.
Which is why I'm not going to run for office...well, I may...I'm not sold on the idea anymore.
I can't imagine standing on a platform I'm not sold on...and I could never find peace in that chaos...I could never find God.
So...I may write.
I may write novels-
I may put these private, tragic stories of my life together and compose a memoir.
People wouldn't believe what they've read.
In-fact, I feel like, if most people really KNEW me...they wouldn't be able to handle the truth.
So I let them assume things...
And I let them use me up...
And then they leave.
And that brings us back to the loneliness...
I'm starting to think it's better to be alone,
Than having to deal with the pain of people using me up and then leaving.
But that's what they do.
I am Jade, I am the Jade-that is only there for your nightly entertainment.
And I'm exhausted.
So...
I've decided I'm going to be me, and be true to myself...
And that will weed out the friends who weren't real.
I'm never going to be ashamed of myself again...I spent too many years doing that...
So...
Like, in the song...
"I'm taking the Long way around."
Because that's honestly the only way that I want to go.
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