"Taking The Long Way Around"

March is here, and my heart hurts worse than ever. In four days, it will be My Cejda's birthday. Cejda. Actually, I suppose I'm not even allowed to call him that anymore. Cejda is too sacred, I suppose he would be just Zac now to me. Or better yet...only a memory.
Either way, I've been incredibly lonesome for him lately, heartbroken, really. I miss him so badly I can't sleep...and I hate myself. I should have left it at silence, even though it was so painful. But this is worse.
Now, there is nothing there-nothing sweet to savor or remember. There is nothing but poison between us...there is nothing but sorrow.
Last year, I made him cupcakes. We had a Star Wars birthday, because that was his favorite. I painted him this incredible piece with a heart on it...it had a poem written around the edges.
I loved him.
I loved him...so, incredibly much.
And now, he's like a stranger...or worse, an enemy...
And he is...a million miles away-from me.
And my heart is broken.
Six months later...or forever, I've lost count.
My heart is broken.

I lost a lot this month...in all the areas I hoped I'd never lose.
But I did.

I had a friend accuse me of wanting this...of wanting to be alone.
Almost any other day, I would have argued with her,
But I think she is right.

Who can blame me though?

For wanting to be alone?

For the past five years,
I've been nothing but left by everyone-
And in the most malicious, and tragic ways.

Up until I developed this want to be alone-
I was stripped raw, to my core-
Because I was putting my faith in other people and pining for their acceptance.

And it got me nowhere.
And nothing, but broken.

How can this she be mad at me for adopting the idea that all people leave?
When she was no exception to that rule?

The someone that comes along and proves me wrong...
That's the person, I will put my faith in.

Up until then, I will keep to myself.


I titled this blog "Taking the Long Way Around."
It's a song by The Dixie Chicks.
I know, trashy-and controversial right?

But I have to give it up to them. No, I don't agree with what they did. But I understand it. In a way, I admire Natalie Maines, because she STILL is not afraid to be who she is, even though she had the whole nation against her.

I would stand up for what I believe in the same way...
I do stand up for what I believe in the same way.
It takes much courage to stand on your own. It's a brave brave thing.

Especially when people are so against you.

But she's inspired me...yes, Ms. Mouthy Left Wing extremist has inspired Mrs. Take Offense to Everything Right Wing Conservative.

She has inspired me to open my eyes and see things not for what the world sees them as...but the way I see them.

And adopting this idea, has made many mad.

You know,
I think it's funny...
I get called "fake"
Or "two faced"
When I'm not consistent...
But wouldn't it be fake
To be consistent?

My mistakes or
Words make me human,
Don't they?

And when beliefs are no longer subject to change-
Are they even worth having?

I consider myself gray now. I can't call myself a conservative or a liberal anymore.
Because privately...I've experienced some things, I never knew I'd experience and met some inspirational people who have broadened my horizon.

And I feel so much better too. I regret those years, in high school-I held people at arms length because we didn't agree. What good was that?
Especially now...that I see how circumstantial things are.

You know, I was a walking set of rules-that was my own personal wall that no one could live up to.
I regret that.
And I hate it.

I think anyone who has solid beliefs like that, is running scared and not living...any time you see the world in black and white you're not living. You know? Politics are black and white...America is gray.


Which is why I'm not going to run for office...well, I may...I'm not sold on the idea anymore.
I can't imagine standing on a platform I'm not sold on...and I could never find peace in that chaos...I could never find God.

So...I may write.
I may write novels-

I may put these private, tragic stories of my life together and compose a memoir.
People wouldn't believe what they've read.

In-fact, I feel like, if most people really KNEW me...they wouldn't be able to handle the truth.

So I let them assume things...
And I let them use me up...
And then they leave.


And that brings us back to the loneliness...
I'm starting to think it's better to be alone,
Than having to deal with the pain of people using me up and then leaving.

But that's what they do.

I am Jade, I am the Jade-that is only there for your nightly entertainment.
And I'm exhausted.

So...
I've decided I'm going to be me, and be true to myself...
And that will weed out the friends who weren't real.

I'm never going to be ashamed of myself again...I spent too many years doing that...

So...

Like, in the song...

"I'm taking the Long way around."

Because that's honestly the only way that I want to go.