April Blog

The Breath You Left
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I'd wrap
Around

You like blankets,
And hold you
In the soft

Spaces between
My neck
And my stomach

While my heartbeat
Whispered sonnets
Into your
Ears

And my small
Hands ran across
Your stomach-

Something
Real

And everything
The smallness of me,
Has to offer you...

To give you
Some
Security.

And I'd drink
The words you
Said

As soon as they
Rolled off your lips

Whether they were good
Or bad

Or throwing daggers
At me.

Because if I had you-
It wouldn't matter...

What you said
As long as you were sending it

My way.

And you would be worth
Whatever price
There was to pay;

Because in
The song of you,

I am a better me,
And my eyes glow brighter,
Like some light

In the night

When the world is asleep.

And I'd be still
In waiting
There-

Patiently,

As I do now...

Just to memorize
How

Your heart speaks.

15

15 Hours of sleep this week.
14 The number of tracks on Room for Squares
13 The blank track on Room for Squares
12 Hours until Monday
11 Hours since we last talked
10 The age that I first bought an Emily Dickinson anthology. The best year ever-so far.
09 9/19/199O and the year that I graduated and met Sarah Palin,
the year I started school, left Zac, and started a new life.
08 The year I voted McCain Palin
07 The year I looked fat at prom and saw Coldplay in concert
06 The year I wrecked three cars and my life.
05 Frosh year/ my first year in Norman
04 The year I still skinny enough to fit into a size 4.
03 a.m.-and I think I'm special.
02 lips for kissing
01 bite

Slow

Slowslowslowslowslwoslowslowslowslowslowslow!

My Grandmother's Song.

So,
I might be getting a job at Wrights.
And I'm absolutely ecstatic!
I cannot explain this want to you-

As I do not understand,
Myself,
Why-
Over all the places in Norman,
I'd choose to work in a run-

Down grocery store
Frequented mainly
By the elderly-

If frequented at all...

Maybe,
It's because it reminds me
Of my life,
Before I knew what it was.

It makes me miss my grandma,
And John.
Before I was old enough to know
How toxic they really were.

It makes me miss trips
To Food Lion,
And packing for Lake Eufaula,

And the trailer park-
Believe it or not.

See the truth is-
Despite the turmoil,
And the underlying
Sick,
Sadness-

There was a home-
A dull light;

At the end of some tunnel-

And I think maybe,
Somewhere down, in my
Six year old body,

I wanted to save that home.

And as I got older,
That's why I started hating it so much.
I never felt like my grandmother wanted me.
And all I wanted was her to want me.

It was borderline abusive-
The way she'd pick all the other grand-kids
First,
And pit them against me.

And how she left me hanging out to dry
And spoiled them
Entirely-

Even though I was the only child
With her blood running through my veins.

And I always felt,
Like the cards were against me.

There was this underlying song
Of sabotage
Waiting for me-

Making me anxious and restless,
And I could never put a finger on it.

And now I look back,
And it's so confusing-
Because on one side;
There was something sick
And on the other something soft.

In my memory I hold
Small moments of love,
And it makes me wonder

If it was all because she didn't know
How to love.

Like,
Her buying me a big chief tablet
And fat glitter crowns,

And a matching nightie
So I could be just like her...

And my purple glittery hairbrush set-
Complete with a purple compact
Mirror

For when I wanted to pretend I was
Harriet the Spy.


I always was by myself.

Even when we were together...

Except for those beautiful seconds
Where there was release...

A strand of real-
And that's what I miss...

Going to antique malls,
Shopping for wigs,
Renting movies...

And laying there,
Letting her rub my back while I fell asleep
At night.

And
The off-brand cookies,
And the smell of Folgers in the morning.

And how it felt when she'd put
Aloe Vera on my sun burns when my skin
Was on fire
In agonizing pain.

And I miss her.

I think,
One thing, even as a child
I always hated-
Though I didn't understand it...

Was the fact that she didn't have
The courage to be happy...
To not run into the arms of someone abusive

Physically
Or mentally.
Or Verbally.

And I hated the way she would try to please him
By cherishing his druggie kids
And taking in all their strays-
Instead

Of wrapping me up and loving me.

You know,
I just needed a grandmother.
I just wanted her love.
That's all.

No money,
No words.
Just love.

And I remember what a drudgery
It was to visit
That trailer as
A 12 year old...

When the eyes of the child
Had faded-

To see her...
For what she was...

I knew those were the last days.

Because the sick kept getting sicker
And the soft
Was no longer
Living.



I fear the day she dies.
And not for the right reasons-

It's the kind of feeling
That leaves you beside yourself.
The situation was so un-natural
And didn't make sense.

Therefore every situation
Will be un-natural
And not make sense.

Will I go?

Yes, I know me.

But will I stand by her casket and weep?
The way a grand-daughter should?

And if I can't-
Is that my fault?
Did she ever let me be hers anyway?

And I won't want any of it.
I know she's going to leave me that ring.
She promised she would.

But I can not keep it.
I cannot accept that.

That ring-a sapphire
My birthstone.

"Her Girl",

And I remember how it looked on that
Gold chain around her neck
When she was powdering her face in
The morning...

And there was something glamorous about her.
Scary
And glamorous.
And under those movie star lights-
Up against

Her cardboard walls...

She was my grandmother.

But now?

Oh,
Now...

I don't even know that woman anymore.

So, I found my light...

Last Spring






This Spring


If only I had known then,
What I know now.

So...I've been thinking

About Lubbock a lot-
And I'm so uncomfortable about it.

Tech is my dream.

But all this happiness,

Here-
That could be so short lived,

I want to keep.

The ties I tried to run from,

Have reached out
To embrace me,

And I don't know that I want to let them go...

Or if I'm looking for a reason to stay-

Am I hiding?
Was Lubbock right?

Or am I running...
If I decide to leave

From my life?

Will I regret it later-
Either way,

Whether I stay or go?

And what about the opportunities I'll miss here if I leave?

Tech-

Will always be there...


But this may not.


So Am I going home?



Or am I already there?

In all honesty...

You were not a chance,
That I was willing to take.

If you had asked me,
In early
March-

Whether or not,
I was going to let you be
A part of this,

I would have said no.
Absolutely not.

No,
Because you-
Weren't part of the "plan".

No,
Because things like this-
Don't happen
To
Me.

No,
Because you-
Seemed too good to be true.

No,
Because
I wasn't ready.

And I went against
My intuition,
And I dove into something
I didn't think I wanted,

And now,

I've learned the difference
Between what your heart
Is really telling you

And fear.

And-
Oh,
I was so terrified of you,

Or just...
Your words
Across a page.



But my heart-
It needed this.

And it's the best thing,
That's happened
In months.

It is some
Light-
That
Has made my walls
Crumble.

It's the most worthwhile thing
I've ever done.

So

Even
If

Nothing ever happens,
Even if,

Everything goes wrong from here on out

You were worth it.

And my guard is finally down.

And I'm not afraid of you.

And that feels-

So good.


It feels good,
To not worry
About whether you are "supposed"
To be there

Because honestly...

I'm just so happy that you are-


That I don't have time to
Worry about anything else.

"Maybe I know...

Somewhere,
Deep in my soul-
That love
Never lasts-

And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone-

Keep a straight face;

And I've always lived like
This-
Keeping a comfortable
Distance-

And up until now,

I had sworn
To myself

That I'm content with loneliness...


Because none of it was ever worth the risk...

But YOU are the only exception...and I'm on my way to believing..."

-Paramore, Brand New Eyes.

This,

Is too good
To be true-

And it feels more surreal

Than anything.

Good things,
They just

Don't happen-

So,
While

I'm waiting,

And watching

What time is

Weaving-

I've got one foot
Leaping

And one on the breaks,

And it's really quite difficult;

To be in limbo

That way.

"We find delight in the beauty and happiness of children that makes the heart too big for the body."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

I hope that someday

I'll be a mother. I know that's weird, and a little offbeat, and no I don't mean now or any time soon. But I guess-all that time I was with Zac, I never saw having babies with him.
Isn't there something wrong with that?
Granted, I know we were in high school-but it doesn't matter...love is love. And if you can't even FATHOM having children with someone and squirm at the thought of commitment, what does that say?
I'm so glad it didn't work out. Now, I know-the type of person he is, and I know that's not the type of person I want. I want someone that's going to be around and put our babies first. I want someone who is going to help me, not only make decisions, but to be there to PLAY with them. I want someone who doesn't sit on the cell phone all evening, or who is constantly at work when he's not at work.
I want someone that's going to want to go on family vacations, that will want our babies to be raised in a Christian home, that will take our kids outside and PLAY with them-that will teach them things that I can't-that will inspire me, every day to be the best mother I can be because THEY are the best father.
I want someone who puts Christ first, and his family.
And I want someone who puts playing as a priority.

When I have babies,
I never want them to grow up.

And I want to fill their hearts with ambition, and make them feel invincible for as long as they can.
I want to teach them to explore, and feel the world, and breathe this life-and be their best friend.

I hope that someday I can be a mother.
That would be the greatest thing in the entire world!

"And I'm weeping warm honey and milk

"So, I'll check the weather-where-ever you are, 'cause I,
Wanna know if you can see the stars tonight; might be my
Only right..."

That you'd stay surround me...surrounding me..."

Cage

At first-

My body
Woed in intimidation-
Then
Envy; acting out of spite-

Then hate

Later-
Sympathy,
In knowing that
You've met your fate.

And now,

Even more,
You poor thing.

You took the dead
Body I was carrying
Around;

And now it's your job-
Your problem,

To breathe life into it.

And the audacity
Of thinking you could
Is laughable-

Because
I am energy
And light
And sun,

And everything,

And though his gray
Face
Makes it evident-

I am
Expendable to some;

I am air

All the same.


And now,

After words lost...
Having nothing
To say-

I leave those

Cut feet-
By your blades

Behind me...

Because I've got wings now-

And you've got
Nothing,

But something
Dead-

A Cheap,
Empty,
Cold-
Metal

Cage.

Coldplay Clocks

The lights go out and I can't be saved
Tides that I tried to swim against
Have brought me down upon my knees
Oh I beg, I beg and plead singing

Come out of things unsaid
Shoot an apple off my head
And a trouble that can't be named
A tiger's waiting to be tamed singing

You are


Confusion never stops
Closing walls and ticking clocks
Gonna come back and take you home
I could not stop that you now know singing

Come out upon my seas
Cursed missed opportunities
Am I a part of the cure?
Or am I part of the disease?

Redemption Song.

You are this kiss I breathe,
The fear I leave
Behind
Me.

And with you,
I am me.


I am me.

Oh,

Sweet you.

My toes dip into the sand,
And I feel it sink into me,

And I lose
Where earth
And I meet-

And on that ground,
I lay down,

And let the soft earth kiss me;
My freckles
And everything,

And I drink the cool water
And breathe the mist
And it speaks with my tongue
And sends

Melodies into my heart-

Oh this river;

A dream of friends,
And a passion of me;

And in that soft earth,
I lay,
Wrapped up in warmth,
Out along the cool gray
Banks.

And in me
Is born a new anticipation
To taste this life-
And this day.

Oh that river;
And the reflection that cascades,
And the water
Where the
Soft
Sonnets wade-

I love that river.

And my soul knows that
It was made

For me.

Some Truths

Usually I am uncomfortable in relationships.
I don't like them, and I am terribly bad at them.
I over-think them,
And run them into the ground,
With my worry and fear.

I push people away
So they don't leave me first.
I run,
Halfheartedly,

While the other half
Is begging the cement
To flood between my toes,
So that I can stay
And never leave

Someone

The way I've been left.

I care too much-
And all that caring leads
To apathy.

Usually.

I'm scared to be in love-
I don't like to say it,
And I shy away
From physical affection.

I flinch when it comes to
Sentimental things,

Not because they don't matter,
But because my heart
Could wade in them for eternity
And never leave-

Melancholy over things lost-
Memories made,
And moments passed.

But for once,

I am not afraid.

And that is something new for me.

I'm venturing out
And opening my heart up

And dreaming of lips
That I have not seen.

And finally-

Wanting to.

I am braver now,

And not so terrified to look love
In the face.

Call it

The right person,
Or an act of fate.

Either way,
I'm not pulling.

I'm staying.

And man,
It feels pretty good-

To stay.

Dear You,

You were unexpected.
And usually,
I hate unexpected things.

And I don't know what it means,

But honestly-
It doesn't matter,

I love talking to you so much
That being close to you that way

For a few short moments
Has changed so many things about me.

Your warmth in words
And small talk

Eliminates my fear.
I can't explain it

And I don't understand it.

There is a security in
Your words that spread themselves
Across the page

That I find a haven in.

I like writing you-
Because

It's easy.

There is no pressure,
No anxiety
In the letters we send.

It's something mine,
Like a secret no one knows;

And I love it.

I love talking to you.

After so many moments
Of feeling incomplete

Like there was no one,
You gave me your ears

And read what I wrote

Even the most insignificant things,

But in all of this nothing-
There has been so much something

Something not heavy,
Something light-hearted

Like air I can breathe.

And it feels good to breathe again.

You don't expect me,
To be something I'm not

Or pretend.

And you make me laugh.

It's
Perfect

In it's "incomplete-ness",
And complete in
It's simplicity.

I love being this with you.
I love talking to you.

And I can't wait for you to get home;
Bringing adventures back to tell me about.

And I'll miss you-
And I'm so comfortable saying that.

I'm comfortable.

And that never happens...
But it's happening,

With you.

I Don't Love Zac Anymore.

I don't love Zac anymore.
And it's kind of an odd thing to title something,
But I think it'll be awesome to have on my sidebar,
Just as a reminder-
Maybe,

Like a statement
That I wish I could tattoo
On my forehead
Saying
I'm free,

An exclamation

I could sing about.

It's liberating to say it.

I don't love Zac anymore.

I don't.
No inch-
No piece,
No part.

There is no missing,
There is no sorrow
There is no sadness,
No anger
No resentment
Nothing.

He is nothing but a name...
A memory-
Whose face I have forgotten.

And I never though that would be possible.

But recently,
My eyes have been opened to the type of person I
Deserve,

And with that realization,
Left...

Anything I felt about Zac.

I don't love Zac anymore.

And now,
Looking back,

On the possessive,
Obsessive
"Toxic-ness"
Of it all...

I'm starting to think-

Maybe I never really did.

A Melody in Your Name by Joni Mitchell

Can you still remember how it all began?
With clipper ships and pink electric trees,
Dawnlight on a skyline bridges' span,
Street light on a rooftop memory.
Then it was me and spring came,
Playing a song of spring rain,
A melody in your name.

Night now comes much bluer than it used to be.
The pink nun sings much sadder than before.
She sings that sometimes things aren't what they
Seem to be, like moons reflected on the sixteenth floor.
Love is no more, it's ended.
Paper and pins won't mend it;
Even the moon pretended.

There must be a reason, oh, there must be one.
Keep your answers, let me find my own.
Where do pretty stories get their endings from
If loving always leaves you all alone?
Kisses have shown me sorrow;
Love is a throne to borrow;
Pay for the loan tomorrow

Quiet Secret

My heart falls in love
With the words
In between-

They fill the inches
Of my soul
With hope

And my
Pillowcase with sonnets,
And dreams...

Of you...
And the lips I've never seen,
Or come close enough to taste;

And oh-
There is something woven,
Where the night hangs...

My soft,
Gentle imagination...

And you.

The River

We travel
Our hearts to
The River,

Where freedom
Dips under our
Wings,

Sails into our hearts;
And wraps us in sun,
As we dance,
While the sweet water sings.

And between our toes,
Lie crystal beads;
Of sand-
There,
Predicting things...

And between our lips;
The most beautiful pros...

That swirl up,
Into stars that weave dreams.

And oh,
Our river,
That cleanses our soul-
Brings peace

And where the soft earth
Bends,

And oh,
How my heart-
Sends sonnets to God;

Sings-
Thankful for all of my friends.

I don't know what I'd do without...

In the rare and unlikely event that I miss him...Cici said she'll wear these for me.